The wise words of a friend - Feature Film Update

Bokehgo has been on an incredible journey so far. It is all about connecting people, and was born from a love of connection, but also it was about solo ambitions and self belief. It was a venture set out for myself, initiated by myself, and in the knowledge that it would define me for the rest of my life.

This debut feature is born from the very core of Bokehgo, and it is incredibly actually formalising ambitions and ideals beyond the scope of the film itself. In fact, these realisations and practices are going to reverberate in the studio from here on in.

This is a hugely ambitious goals, and although I am doing it for me, I think I was recently hitting a minor phsychologicl crisis point around the film. Nothing seemed to be moving on the project, and I was feeling stuck. The weight and responsibility of all the roles I wanted to take on - director, writer, cinematography, casting director, set designer, sound operator, editor, producer, composer, colourist, props builder the list goes on. I felt I needed to do all of this to be authentic. Or at least I was telling myself that. Because the reality is that when a project gets big and intense, I don’t share that with anyone, I pull it in to me and take it on alone. As I don’t want to burden people, I do not ask for help, and I guess then when we add the layer of a self-initiated project, the thing that exaggerates it is the imposter syndrome. I do not see my personal artistic ideas as worthy of other people’s time and energy. Because they are deeply vulnerable. And it feels a lot to share them until they are formed into something with enough shape that people don’t need to take a leap of faith, as they can clearly see it. And so despite the love of community, collaboration, the inspiration I get from people, so often my creative process is very solo.

But this film was going to be different, as I announced not so long ago this project was going to bring together my community focussed approach with my personal creative dreams. A super combo! And yet, a bit of recent fatigue, an awareness of financial needs of the film, frustrations at no creative time on it, were making me shrink back into the pattern that I know when I need to - to push myself ridiculously hard alone in order to achieve the incredible. I was starting to slip into that.

But fortunately a friend caught it. Myself and Jacob had been on a lovely adventure to the premiere of ‘The Cards We’re Dealt’ from Digno Films. The directors of Digno - Danny and Isaac are students of myself and Jacob at CAPA College, and so it was a pleasure to see the fruits of their personal ambitions and incredible talent on their self-initiated short film. The film was incredible, and Digno are truly a powerhouse of film already. It was deeply inspiring and what really stood out was the list of thank yous - the amount of people Digno had brought together to be part of this incredible project. It was moving to see how these young filmmakers had brought together and held this community. It was an honour to be a small part of it.

Feeling empowered myself and Jacob decided to get some much needed catch up time over some Thai food. On the way we drove past my first home in Leeds (2007) and my last home in Leeds (2019). They were only separated by a street or so geographically, but across the journey of time, of myself, they were worlds apart. As we ate food the conversation of the film came up. I shared to Jacob, a filmmaker I deeply respect and have had the pleasure of working with for a while now (alongside the ever amazing Daniel Johnson and Pishdaad Modaressi). I shared about the feeling of it being quite a weight and the blockages I am feeling. How I think about reaching out more, but feel it will change the process. And Jacob shrewdly reflected back to me that collaboration and inclusion were actually what I had been saying underpinned the film methodology - That I was looking to find ways of harnessing communities to make authentic film. Thank goodness he had been listening to me enough at the start to reflect back the core values of my film when I needed it! And as he said it, I felt the weight lift. As I had been going into the pattern of taking on the task solo for want of not ‘burdening’ others, he reminded me that it is about creative community. And this can be powerful for all involved.

And as I reflect on this I realise - This ideal is going to be taking on my imposter syndrome face on. Because instead of battling against it, proving it wrong, I am in fact having to acknowledge things that I do not wish to - that in order to make this truly authentic, truly a masterpiece of what I want right now, I have to acknowledge that I might not have all the skills to do it alone if I truly desire it to be a masterpiece. I have to share my vision and dreams with the collaborators I know can run with it. And find the joy, inspiration and achievement in that. Because I actually am yearning for more community, to collaborate and enjoy being around people on this adventure.

And if I truly want to make this journey an inspiration to others, it has to be possible for others to do. Because me working 20 hours a day for a year to make this all work, to run my business, be with my family, and make this film (as well as other projects), is not role modelling, as I would never encourage anyone else to do it. I would never let my collaborators work those types of hours even for a single day, so I cannot possibly inspire others by saying you can make your own authentic film, you just need to work like this! That is not inclusive or supportive.

So that Thai dinner with Jacob came at exactly the right time. Because against a backdrop of cuts to the arts, national economic difficulties and a burnout culture, it is in fact community, collaboration, joy and rest that are pivotal to make truly great experiences, and perhaps, truly authentic art.

So now is the time to start bringing together my community and seeing who is up for some filmmaking playtime!